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So tonight I have 4 patients, which is a busy assignment for my floor. One of my young patients has recurrent disease progression despite bone marrow transplant, and is pretty darn sick. Her oncologist came in to see her and her family today, and told her that there is nothing else we can do to help her. I was there during the discussion- I watched her face as she began to realize that what he is telling her is that she is going to die, and it was heartbreaking. It is the kind of critical life-moment that only a few people experience with the patient, and the way it is handled can affect how well the patient accepts their mortality. I was really impressed with the way the doctor handled the conversation; he kneeled down by her bed and was stroking her face as she was crying. It was truly beautiful.

I have this fascination/curiosity about what it feels like to have the certainty that you are going to die, either imminently or in the near future. Sometimes I try to put myself in that mindset to see what it might feel like. The part that scares me most about the prospect of dying is the potential pain involved. Sure, the doctors would like to tell you that your pain will be controlled, but sometimes it is not. I also have this fear that maybe, just maybe, there is an afterlife... and maybe it doesn't look so good for me. Fortunately, these are all distant questions for me and I don't have to deal with them in my life right now.

Her family told her that she would never be alone... then left for the night! Ha ha. So I went in there a while ago because I had some extra time, and I asked her if she wanted some company. She said yes, and I held her hand and sat with her for 30 minutes. She fell asleep, and I prayed, in the way I do which isn't really verbal prayer, and who knows what that is about but at least I was able to just BE with her, and it seemed to be a comfort to her. I felt really lucky to have the unique opportunity to just be a presence with my patient. It made me smile.