I don't know where to start. What I can say is that I find myself being bored with stability. I mean, my life circumstances are in flux, there is a great deal of uncertainty about my medium and long term future, and so on. But my internal life has been relatively calm for about a month or so, maybe more. I find that I yearn for the ups and downs that I am used to. I am not accustomed to this kind of predictability. It scares me sometimes. I am definitely able to have a range of emotion, but sometimes I worry that I am not feeling enough.
Part of this blog project is compiling information about my feelings and experiences so that I can write a book. I also am working on getting these feelings and experiences into words, sentences, and complete thoughts. Often I find it difficult to do so. I remember the experience of writing when I was younger; my best work was borne of turbulence, I often would write a lot in a storm of passion and rarely edited what I produced. Of course, I would guess that teenage and early adult writing in a many cases comes from a place of emotional drama. Now when I want to put down a thought, I have to first get over this wall of vapor that siphons my thoughts and feelings away the moment I decide to give them voice. That sometimes happens when I just start writing stuff. Often I can't cross that wall.
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