Myopic

There is an Ansel Adams photograph of a really cool-looking tree in my patient's room. I rarely ever notice the artwork in my patient's rooms. Isn't it strange how one can become oblivious to one's surroundings? I mean, this photo is right next to my drip titration guideline sheet and has been here since the building was built. And yet, I am only really looking at it for the first time.

This photo was taken at Yosemite. I have always wanted to go there. There are so many places in America that I would like to visit. This is part of the appeal of travel nursing: you can make a ton of dough and then take a few months off to do whatever. Also, of course, you could travel somewhere cool and work there. I really need to spend more time in the West. I have never been to the Northwest or the Rockies. Look at those mountains. I am enjoying looking at this photo and thinking about traveling while I am in this isolated hospital setting.

Hip-Hop gospel

I am sitting in my patient's room; he is intubated and sedated, but his family brought in a bunch of CDs of modern gospel music and I like to play music or movies for my patients. The CD I have playing right now is WOW gospel 2007. Now, when I think of gospel, I think, you know, like traditional gospel. But this is just like stuff you hear on hip-hop and R&B stations, and you can barely tell what they are saying, and when you can, it is so loosely based on gospel themes that I would be hard-pressed to identify it as Christ-centered music. It reminds me a lot of the new Christian rock music, with lyrics like "I just want to get close to you, oooohh yeah I don't want to let you go" and stuff. I guess, though, that is you like that style of music and you are gonna listen to it anyway, you might as well be absorbing somewhat positive themes.

I find that in my old age, I am getting more conservative about stuff, especially regarding clothing for young girls. I think it is totally gross the way young girls are dressing like mini-whores. Granted, I used to bring an alternate outfit in my school bag and change at my friend's house before loading on the bus, and change back when I got off the bus. But I hardly think I dressed whorish. I am sure I made some awful clothing choices but not in that regard. I remember I had a couple outfits that I would rotate all the time, including a black above-the-knee skirt (scandalous) and this grey tunic top that really accentuated the bosoms, but was unattractive in every other way.

Man... my 10-year reunion is coming up. I am considering going, but am alse terrified of the thought. Plus, is it worth it to drive up to Cape Cod and spend all that dough for a probably-lame reunion at the conference hall at the Holiday Inn in Hyannis? James, are you going?

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So tonight I have 4 patients, which is a busy assignment for my floor. One of my young patients has recurrent disease progression despite bone marrow transplant, and is pretty darn sick. Her oncologist came in to see her and her family today, and told her that there is nothing else we can do to help her. I was there during the discussion- I watched her face as she began to realize that what he is telling her is that she is going to die, and it was heartbreaking. It is the kind of critical life-moment that only a few people experience with the patient, and the way it is handled can affect how well the patient accepts their mortality. I was really impressed with the way the doctor handled the conversation; he kneeled down by her bed and was stroking her face as she was crying. It was truly beautiful.

I have this fascination/curiosity about what it feels like to have the certainty that you are going to die, either imminently or in the near future. Sometimes I try to put myself in that mindset to see what it might feel like. The part that scares me most about the prospect of dying is the potential pain involved. Sure, the doctors would like to tell you that your pain will be controlled, but sometimes it is not. I also have this fear that maybe, just maybe, there is an afterlife... and maybe it doesn't look so good for me. Fortunately, these are all distant questions for me and I don't have to deal with them in my life right now.

Her family told her that she would never be alone... then left for the night! Ha ha. So I went in there a while ago because I had some extra time, and I asked her if she wanted some company. She said yes, and I held her hand and sat with her for 30 minutes. She fell asleep, and I prayed, in the way I do which isn't really verbal prayer, and who knows what that is about but at least I was able to just BE with her, and it seemed to be a comfort to her. I felt really lucky to have the unique opportunity to just be a presence with my patient. It made me smile.

Breakfast at 2:51 PM

I get mighty tired of rotating days and nights. How on earth am I supposed to keep myself in a normal rhythm psychologically when I am forcing my body to operate in the most arrhythmical of conditions? I just woke up, by the way... I am eating cereal. Now I get to go to a doctor's appointment, then... go to work again!!!

Opening Act

You can expect the following things from this blog:

1. Honesty about many aspects of my internal and external life.
2. Periods of absence and presence.
3. Odd pictures of my head, and probably of the cats too.

I have decided to restart a blog because of the roaring global demand that I increase my online presence. Because I belong to many sites, I thought I would have a better chance of increasing my presence if I do it in the laziest way possible, meaning, streamline all my blog interests into one blog. Hey, you gotta know yourself.

I would like to start by saying that there is no way I will ever get this first pair of socks knitted if I can't find my size 2 DPNs in time for work tomorrow. Don't you wish you got paid to knit? I tried knitting them on the toothpicks Andrew and Chad gave me but they got all splintery and are also the wrong size.

Anyway, wanted to get this show started, but I have to chart and tape report now. Ah, the trials of a night shift nurse.